Why Wont My Child Sleep!?

Does this sound familiar? Your toddler won’t go to sleep. It’s late. You’re tired. They’re tired. Everyone is tired. Your patience is gone and you feel the anger and resentment rushing through your veins.

“Just go the *#@% to sleep”

“Why wont you sleep!?”

These are words I have said to myself…many times! (twins are hard LOL)

It is in these moments that our insecurities run wild. Our anger flicks a switch inside our brains (ever heard of the amygdala!?) and our “animal brain” takes over. This causes us to act instinctively rather than consciously. In fact, it is ridiculously difficult to think rationally when we are experiencing big emotions like anger, resentment, and defeat.  

When your toddler won’t sleep at night, bedtime can easily turn into a battle, and we feel incredible pressure to win. We ‘must’ win!

We worry that if we give in, if we lose that battle, then…

But herein lies the problem. These are irrational thoughts. 

It’s a vicious circle really. Our culture, and social norms are part to blame (but that is a whole other blog!)

Even just using the language “bedtime battle” can set this tone. Psychology tells us that our language choices matter. Speaking positively, you are more likely to feel positively and so on. 

The phrase bedtime battle implies a conflict, that we are at war against our children. It implies that, as parents, we need to win (we are bigger and stronger right?). Which naturally leads to resentment and insecurities, as listed above.  

What is worse, it goes against the serve & return nurture sequence that we know is so important to child development and also risks breaking attachment – both of which are suuuper important for long term health and quality of life.

So I try to avoid using the term bedtime battle (or even the nap equivalent of “fighting naps”) whenever I am talking with parents. And, I encourage you to take a look at your vocabulary too.

Why? Well because we are not at war with our children. And, I think it is safe to say that no-one wants to step onto the battlefield on a daily (or even weekly) basis. 

So how do we make peace?

The answer my friend, lies in prevention, connection, and planning

Prevention

This piece is all about setting the stage for sleep. 

Often bedtime can become difficult simply because the child is not tired enough. Think about it for a minute. What would happen if you went to bed when you weren’t tired? You would probably toss and turn, you might pick up your phone or turn on the TV. Maybe you’d even get back up and try again later.

Have you ever tried to fall asleep with someone yelling at you to go to sleep? Exactly. LOL

Knowing basic sleep biology is important here. 

We have two main sleep forces. Our circadian rhythm is determined by the sun, our daily routine and to some degree our genetics. We also have our sleep drive (sometimes called sleep pressure). 

In order to get good and sleepy both of these factors need to be paired in a sort of harmony. 

Perhaps, the biggest thing that comes into play for kiddies is sleep pressure. Think of it like a balloon. We need that balloon to be full come bedtime, or there will be no pressure to help push that child into dreamland. If you’ve got a floppy weakly inflated balloon, there will be no push for sleep.

Ideally, the sleep pressure balloon will be linked in time with the circadian rhythm because this is what is responsible for the release of our natural sleepy chemicals like melatonin.

Too much daytime sleep, or poorly timed naps can lead to bedtime resistance simply because they are not tired enough to sleep. So can lazy days i.e. not enough exercise or activity. Or not enough stimulation. This is often why my toddler won’t sleep through the night. Babies, toddlers and kids of all ages need to be learning and moving! Their brains and bodies are developing at such a fast rate. They thrive on this. 

(On a side note – I have never met a kid who is getting too much exercise. Hint hint LOL)

Often parents are stressed, and try to make life scheduled, calm, and predictable. While it is true that little ones (and parents) thrive on routine, it can also get a bit boring. They neeeeeed stimulation. Too much of the same, and well…you just plain don’t tire them out enough. 

Ever notice how well they sleep on the days you go on a day-trip (even if you spent half the day in the car)? What about on the days where you go somewhere new? This is why!

Of course the opposite can be true. Overtiredness happens too. However, I hesitated even writing this here. Why? Well because overtiredness has become a sort of buzz word in the sleep community. It is treated sort of like a scapegoat. All sleep problems seem to be blamed on overtiredness, with a recommendation to extend naps, or move bedtime earlier. Unfortunately it is a whole lot more complicated than this. 

It is true that the human body produces increased cortisol (the awake hormone) to counteract that inflating balloon, especially as the balloon starts growing too big. It is also true that increased cortisol can make it more difficult to sleep, and can lead to a poorer quality of sleep too. Kids can get sort of wired and hyper. And, trust me, it is much easier to just let that phase pass, than to convince a squirmy child to lay still. LOL I call it ‘bedtime bonkers.’ 

All of this is true. Science tells us so…

BUT 

I want to highlight that society’s expectation of sleep needs ALSO differs VASTLY from what the research shows. Believe it or not, but it is NOT normal for kids to sleep 12 hours a night. 

My best advice here… Always look to your child, and the bigger picture. Their behavior is more indicative of their unique sleep needs than any chart you will find.

If your toddler won’t go to sleep or your toddler won’t sleep through the night, it might not be as simple as being. Instead, consider their bedtime timing, activity levels and daily stimulation. On the other hand, if your toddler won’t sleep in their own bed, or won’t sleep alone, it could be due to confidence, connection issues or feeling insecure.

The Power of Connection at Bedtime

This section is all about strengthening the bond you have with your little one. And, if you’ve been in the trenches for a while… It’s also about repair, and letting go of any past bedtime battles (we’ve all been there!) so you can approach sleep with a fresh start.

For many toddlers, bedtime is their golden hour. It’s the time of the day where they are most likely to get your undivided attention, especially for working parents.

Think about it – bedtime becomes their prime opportunity to connect. Which is why so many toddlers refuse to go to bed – they want to spend more time with YOU! But guess what? Using that connection strategically can help get your toddler to go to sleep quickly and peacefully!

By providing focused attention during the day, you can help your toddler feel secure and loved, which can reduce bedtime resistance and improve cooperation at bedtime.

Whether your toddler won’t sleep through the night or won’t sleep alone, a stronger daytime connection can make a big difference.

Connection Challenges

Sometimes, connection issues arise during natural separations like returning to work after maternity leave or starting daycare/school. Transitions like these can disrupt bedtime routines and lead to more night wakings.

Many toddlers will start to wake up and insist on sleeping in your bed (if they haven’t already).

While co-sleeping can be a great way to connect after being apart, there’s another solution…

Boosting Connection During the Day

You might be skimming through this, shrugging it off… thinking that your bond with your child is fine, or that you don’t have time for this.

This isn’t meant to add to your already overwhelming mental to-do-list, or add an extra level of parenting guilt. I’m not suggesting spending massive amounts of uninterrupted 1:1 time with your child all day, every day. (It would be amazing if you could! But, let’s face it… that’s not very realistic)

You don’t need to spend hours of uninterrupted one-on-one time every day for this to work. You can make a HUGE difference by intentionally delivering small blitzes of connection throughout the day.

If you can swing it, aim for at least one 10-15 minute pockets of time where you fully engage with your child.

Here are some simple ways to connect:

• – Involve them in your activities: Fold laundry together, sing and dance while cooking dinner
• – Take part in their activities: Play together, spark conversation, show interest in what they’re doing.
• – Make eye contact: Let them know you’re present and truly listening.
• – Cuddle close: Skin-to-skin isn’t just for babies. Physical touch goes a long way in building a secure bond.

Believe it or not, these small but intentional moments can have a big impact on your child’s sleep!

Planning

So what does planning have to do with bedtime? 

I think we can all agree that life is easier when we are prepared right? When you have a plan, and you know what to expect, there are a lot less unknowns. It’s easier to stay on track. 

If you know that bedtime takes forever, plan for it. Plan for an easy and relaxed night. It’s all about the little things

If you are relaxed, your child is more likely to relax.

If you have had nothing but difficult bedtimes lately consider clearing your evening commitments so that you don’t feel rushed. No, not forever, but this process takes some time and it works best when you give it your best shot. 

This wisdom has been passed down by my own Mom. She has always said that the days go easier when you don’t have an agenda . This message cannot be truer.

It is always on the days where I am feeling pressured to do something, to be somewhere, to get the house clean, to do something – anything! It’s always these times that I become most frustrated, angry or resentful of my boys when things don’t go according to plan. 

So just let it go! Live in the moment. I find it helps to ask myself. Will this matter tomorrow? A week from now? A year from now? If not…then it’s probably best to just let it go! 

Okay back to more planning stuff… 

1.) Plan a nice relaxing evening. No, not the whole evening (kids have a lot of energy to burn and we don’t want to stop that balloon from inflating), but an hour before bed is a good place to start. Think of some activities that you can do together (remember that connection piece we talked about earlier). Puzzles, colouring or blocks work well

2.) Cut the screens (yes this includes the TV). Dim the lights and throw some Gentle Baby Essential Oil Blend into the difffuser. This helps let your bodies unwind and know that sleepy time is near. 

3.) Then as you prep for bedtime make sure YOU are ready. Run through your own internal checklist (or write it down if that is more your style)

You probably already have a bedtime routine with your child, whether you realize it or not…

A bedtime routine is simply the steps you take to prepare for sleep. Most parents naturally kiss their kids goodnight or say sweet dreams. Some might sing a song, or read a story.

If your toddler won’t stay in bed or has trouble sleeping alone, having a calming and structured routine can be a game-changer. Plus, the added consistency and connection can create a sense of security, that’s helpful as a first step for improving night waking when your toddler won’t sleep through the night.

It might sound simple, and sometimes it is. But a poorly-executed routine can actually be counterproductive – meaning it can actually make sleep worse. It’s a very powerful (often and misunderstood) tool for improving and maintaining sleep. It’s also something that many parents underestimate.

Your Next Steps

Want to create a bedtime routine, or improve your current one? Check out my FREE Ultimate Guide to Bedtime Routines.

Even if you have an amazing bedtime routine, my guess is that you’ll learn something to make it even better!

Now, before I go, a quick disclaimer: These are all important factors in a healthy bedtime, but they are not the only variables. If after incorporating some of these tips and tricks, you find that you are still having problems, then please reach out to a professional for help. Sleep doesn’t have to be a battle.

Sleep well friend,

XO Maisie